I went to college with a guy named Spencer who lost his little boy shortly after birth almost two years ago. I have had the privilege to get to know his wife Stacy through her wonderful blog. She is an amazing, transparent writer. Though we have yet to meet in person, I feel like I have known her forever!
In one of our conversations, I asked Stacy how she was able to deal with strangers saying how excited she must be about having a baby, and how she got through the day-to-day stuff when she knew how much was going on inside her body.
Her reply was that she decided that she was going to choose joy daily--sometimes by minute. She realized that if God had given her the job of carrying this little boy for nine months, then she was going to do it with as much joy and thankfulness as she could muster. And she did!!
I was really challenged by that statement. Over the summer when things were just developing, I struggled with the whole why us? question. After all, I take a million vitamins, eat healthy foods, don't drink or smoke, and even avoid non-pasturized cheese while I'm pregnant! We're good parents who will love our children and strive to raise them well! Why us?
I realized, after talking with Stacy and having a wrestling session with God, that I don't have the right to ask that question. My job is to carry Abby for as long as I can, to love her unconditionally, and to do what is best for her. While I can be (and am) worried sick about her, I don't have the right to question God.
So what is my alternative? To choose joy. And I do. Well, I try to. Some days, I am more joyous than others. I still have my moments, and some days aren't without tears. But I can honestly say that this change in mindset has helped me to truly enjoy this pregancy--to love playing little poke/kick games with Abby in the bath tub, to laugh at my hugeness in the mirror, to smile when Caleb talks to her in his high-pitched voice, to pray over this girl non-stop, to decorate her room in the oh-so-cute purple and green floral pattern I found, to talk to her like the real little person she is.
I even have a little reminder on my desk at school that just has two words:
I'm certainly not perfect at it, and I still haven't quite gotten my incessant worrying under control, but I'm getting there. God has given me the peace to be able to choose joy.
So, yeah. That's my heart tonight. A bit of transparency from me, even though it was harder to choose joy today with our latest news than it has been the last month or so. Tomorrow is the next day of our new normal, and another opportunity to make the choice. :)