Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Crazy Side

I have two sides--did you know that? 

They're the crazy side and the practical side.

And sometimes the crazy side sort of takes over. 

I'm going to share with you my biggest fear in regards to Abby, which is something I've been working through recently.  I ask you to pray for me as we face this head-on.

Because of the severity of Abby's condition, there is a lot to do regarding her medical care.  There are trach changes, stoma cleanings, suctioning, flushes, etc., all of the time.  Some of her care is directly related to her airway.  And there's no room for errors.

So my biggest fear is that I will make a mistake that could cost Abby her life.  And I won't be able to handle that.  The guilt will kill me.

I know, I know.  The practical side reminds me that I have worked hard at learning everything there is to know about Abby's care.  I'm a dedicated mother who pays attention to the details.  There will be nurses and Matt there to follow-up and help out.  I know all of this.  But the crazy side still freaks out about it every now and then.

Like I said, I would love for you to pray for me as I deal with this.  I never want to be comfortable with Abby's care because that's when you let your guard down.  A healthy fear is necessary when dealing with the airway!  But I do need to clear this hurdle.

I'm also recognizing my frustration and guilt with not being able to be Abby's sole caregiver.  Sure, I worked when I had Caleb.  I relied on other people to watch him during the day and all, but when it came down to it, Matt and I were the ones who met his needs.  We fed him, gave him baths, rocked him when he cried, changed his diapers...I can't do that with Abby, and it turns out that that bothers me a little more than I thought it would.  Now that we really are going home (in less than a week!!!!), I really am feeling slightly guilty that I need other people to help me with her...like I'm not strong enough or capable enough to do it on my own. 

That's the crazy side of me talking, because the practical side chastises, of course I need help!  Abby is a medically complex child with lots of machines, tubes, and wires!  She's not your average newborn!  It's just that the crazy side is pretty loud and obnoxious sometimes, and that's when the guilt creeps in.

There are times when I wonder if ya'll think that my crazy side has completely taken over and pushed the practical side out the window!  But then, I hear from people who thank me for being transparent and honest about my feelings and I realize that you guys are okay with my roller coaster of emotions.  I pray that you will never be able to relate to them! 

Thank you for joining us on this journey.  I get emotional thinking about Tuesday and the absolute JOYwe will feel when we drive away with our daughter....and then I start hyperventilating.  :)

1 comment:

Dona Ostenso said...

Julie, When I read your blog I thought many different things...First, how appropriate your statement was about the JOY you will feel next week when you drive home with Abigail Elizabeth JOY. What a perfect middle name you gave your little girl! Second, I know that we have never met each other, but the one thing I am sure of is that you are a wonderful, loving mother, who will do her very best to provide for Abby and Caleb. But I want you to remember, it is okay to ask for help and to rely on others to help you. I understand your roller coaster of emotions. I think you are perfectly normal to feel the way you do. You are such a strong woman, mother and wife...I just want you to remember through it all, every now and then, let someone take care of "you".