Monday, November 22, 2010

Exactly a Month ago Today...

...I gave birth to a beautiful, dark haired 4 lb baby girl named Abigail Elizabeth Joy.  Now that I have had processing time, I want to relive that night a bit.

I remember that she flew out so fast (because of all of the extra fluid) that the doctor nearly dropped her!  I'm glad I didn't actually see it, because I would have been totally freaked out by that!

I remember that I didn't hear her cry, and that worried me immediately.  Everyone wants to hear the baby cry.

I remember that we were unable to see her even for a second before the NICU staff wisked her away.  While we knew that her care was of utmost importance, it was difficult not to be able to bond with your daughter like under normal circumstances.

I remember the kind anesthesiologist being the one to give us occasional updates on her condition while they worked on her in the room across the hall.  He was the only one who was able to give us any information, and it was so helpful.

I remember that the same anesthesiologist was able to convince the NICU staff to let us see her for a minute before they took her downstairs to the NICU.  I was in shock at how tiny and quiet she was!

I remember that I never got to see her before they put the trumpet in her nose, so I had no real visual of her entire face until after she got her trach.  (We have never seen her without tubes)  :(

I remember asking the LD nurse what I needed to do in order to go see my baby.  She told me and I immediately got to work checking those things off of my mental list.  I was downstairs in record time!!

I remember feeling horrible that I didn't know which baby was mine when I walked into the door of her room.  There is nothing normal about not being able to pick out your baby because you only got to see her for a few seconds!

I remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach when the nurse practitioner took us over to her computer to see her rib xray.  I knew something was wrong the minute I looked at the screen.

I remember sitting by Abby's bed for a long time that night crying and praying that she would be okay.  It's funny how okay has a different meaning now.  Abby will be okay, but probably not in the way most would hope.  She will be more thanokay bcause she is perfect in God's eyes and will make an amazing difference in this world!!

So much can change in a month!  I can't say that I can look back on this last month and be happy about it, because it has been tough.  However, I can definitely reflect and say that God has taught me more in this last month than in my entire life!  I have learned utter dependence on Him, which is very difficult to learn when everything is a-ok!

So, as hard as it is, I can say that I wouldn't change anything about this last month--because if things had been different, if we had been able to "fix" Abby with a simple pill...then God wouldn't have been able to reveal Himself to us in so many new ways.  We would have missed out on so many conversations about God with people here at RMH and UMMC.  Abby wouldn't have been able to touch the lives she has already.  And I wouldn't have learned what it meant to truly choose joy.

Tough?  Yes.  Horrifying?  Absolutely!  But I know one thing:  our lives have certainly been changed for good!