Fear grips me at the most untimely of times.
Like sitting at a funeral, when I find myself considering the idea that I could be planning one for my daughter instead of she planning one for me...the way it should be.
Like when Abby is kicking a soccer ball around with the other toddlers while the big kids have soccer practice, and I gasp as she gets knocked down. Just how strong are those ribs now?
Like waking at the sound of every single cough on the monitor, wondering if it is going to turn into something more.
Like seeing her gag on some food, praying that she doesn't aspirate on it. What is "going down the wrong pipe" for most kids is a constant threat of pneumonia for mine.
Like being asked what Abby's prognosis is, and having to say that I really don't know. Then having to explain that her syndrome is so rare that there really isn't a prognosis. She is pretty much making her own path here.
Like singing "You Are My Sunshine" and turning that last line into a plead.
People comment on how strong I am, and how positive we are about Abby, and how wonderful she is doing. We are generally positive, and Abby is doing wonderfully!! Don't get me wrong here--we are so thankful for the miracles and celebrate every single milestone. But I've got news for you. In my own home, when Matt is gone and the kids are in bed, and it's just me and my laptop and a head full of swirling thoughts, I am anything but strong.
I am afraid.
I am afraid of losing my sweet girl earlier than I'm "ready" to. But will I ever really be ready? Is there ever a time when you're "ready" to say goodbye to your child? Life is precious, and I have certainly learned that over the last 2 1/2 years. I am most certainly grateful for both of my wonderful children and their adorable personalities! But being grateful doesn't make you "ready" to let your child go.
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, through prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I'm clinging to those words tonight. The fear is there, but I'm praying that God will truly guard my heart and mind and protect me from the thoughts that sometimes creep in.
Total and complete honesty here tonight. Transparency can be a good thing...I hope...