Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Going Public

So what's been on my mind recently?  It's about time I share it.  I haven't yet, and I'm not sure why. 

It's not out of embarrassment or because I'm a private person.  Lots of IRL* friends and family know. 

If I am truly being honest with myself, I think the deep-down reason is that it feels more real when it is written. 

AND, I don't really want it to be real. 

I prefer it as a dream.

*In Real Life

But, alas, it is not, and I think I'm finally at a place where I can write it.  Matt and I have been trying to have a baby for some time now, and it's not going so well.  We saw a fertility specialist today and now have a treatment plan in place.  I'll be heading to the doctor many, many times over the next few months!  The bad thing about that is that it is an hour and 1/2 away, but we will deal with it.  Thankfully, they open at 7 a.m., which will allow me to get back down the road to work without having to take too much leave.  These visits will include lots of blood work, a few tests, and me learning how to give myself shots.  (Those of you who know me know that shots and I do not mix, so this should be interesting!!!) 

I can honestly say that this has been quite an education for me, but one that I did not want!  I am now able to understand how so many others have felt when they go to baby showers, see pregnant women, get the inevitable, "So when are you going to have a baby?" question from well-meaning people, etc.  It's just hard.  You're happy for others, but wishing that it was you.  Not you instead, just you too!  It's a tough road.

So how can you pray, you ask?  (and even if you didn't!) 

*  For Matt and I, that we will continue to communicate and not give into the stressfulness of the situation

*  For my nerves and irrational fear of needles (irrational, but real!)

*  For our doctor, who is going to be leading us down this new road.

*  For Caleb, who desperately wants a baby.  (Matt has had several conversations with him instructing him not to ask me, "When is a baby going to come out of your tummy?")  *sigh*

With these new steps today, we are hopeful and thankful for modern science!!

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