Not sure if you've noticed, but it's been a little quiet over here on the blog recently. When I have blogged, it hasn't been so emotional. Some of that has just been the busy-ness of the time of year and the amount of time I can devote to blogging, but a fair amount has also been that I have really been trying to internalize what "having the gene" means...and I wasn't quite ready to share my heart again with the world.
Guilt washed over me when Abby got sick with a virus and the usual concern over her weight and respiratory status during the illness begins. I caused this. The fear of the future began anew when we listened to the thoracic specialists talk about potential rib surgeries. I caused this. Teaching a new group of teachers all about Abby's medical precautions caused the butterflies in my stomach to flutter again at the thought of not being there to keep an eye on her. I caused this.
In my search to begin to understand why God gave me the gene that caused Abby to have CCMS, I wanted to share with you a few verses I found from John chapter 9:
As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned,this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him."
I heard these verses on our local Christian radio station on a particularly difficult night. They were exactly what I needed to hear. Abby has CCMS so that others can see the works of God in her! What an incredible opportunity, when I choose look at it that way.
Just like everything else in this journey, joy has to be my choice. I can choose to ask, "Why me?" and blame myself for giving Abby CCMS, or I can choose to thank God for entrusting me with the awesome responsibility of being Abby's momma.